LACK OF EULOGY #6
yes or no flicker startle response she flutters it’s not a flutter sun slams windows congestion airport jet engine heat in brick heavy weather morning appetite the what to do now tomorrow next week division resolutions proclamations silent alarms no homes but in them the middle distance what it feels like driving home minus one if you ask her questions can you hear interrupt remember discern driven to distraction listening listening jagged beachside rocks in her pleura minus condolences the hateful greedy soon if justice dead and gone not her no fault no angel but crimson vermillion scarlet hunter green and forest blue ends are met meals are made sympathy provided thank you and goodnight close comfort comatose forgiveness five days of fragments six months of wanting to hold on dizzy unsteady frayed under pressure to be human adult alert and oriented minus instruction manual thrown out or burnt for heat misunderstood as thorn pass out miss fear doubt second-guessing schedules hers alone no sleep only daytime ooze of naps pushing into daylight slumped don’t remember don’t say ( ) out loud don’t ( ) hazy the fabric rough white powder blue small windows nobody jumps view of sky of planned foliage cold air shoves against the windows less air in the room no room in memory history do you know how thankful soliloquy TV to reduce silence silence to reduce pressure pressure to reduce swelling in the brain brainstem mind story near and distant bent past rusted dented thalamus hippocampus ruby summation who lived here and how well only oily ( ) stand up and go ( ) leave now ( ) cold air lifts the room three inches spins final room of rooms ( ) visible scoped the lesson learned the no thanks no conduct only waiting dawn cracks the windshield you keep driving you hope you still know how to drive remove leave sunny day torrential downpour of what you could’ve done alone and pressed against the windows waiting waiting wondering is this the same kind of flesh turning cold no ( ) sorry for the bother ( ) nice to have known you volcano a flood streets and highways gushed with gasoline and set ablaze windows broken no sunlight no cold no better weather than to have kissed her forehead if you couldn’t hold her hold her if you couldn’t save her she coughs no rest downshift cancellation cure just indefinite howl clutch chairs thrown inpatient finally arrives home and you’re there too discolored disassembled dutch oven of hard bread broken to be thrown away nothing but fantasy and violence I’m nothing but heart
LACK OF EULOGY #7
imaginary conversations presents wrapped packed and sent clouds tongues belongings no April no May only resistance middle fingers to St. Francis nurses no turning blue tide waiting around to interfere static electric the currency never the results charts and graphs scans cross-sections bright white where death is how could you ever have known even September pasta salad chicken marsala future tense electric and foreshortened postlude guess again evergreen spun around gloved and handled not what you expected lifetime supply of not what you expected hidden interruptions ties tied and funeral march is one quiet car the bearing forth stop for lunch a normal something not what you expected black box you can’t remember no frills bone chips or true ash high hills western a glacier feature holding on to not what you expected yellow disgust umbrella shame and shuck and jive tongue but top breathe neverending storm clouds gathering one last everything one last not what not known no maps the brainstem choked maybe the brain wrong signals the body shuts down before it turns off they turn her from side to side morphine as oral drip and watch or flinch leaving no sport for hunt solace and apology in blossom shade against what white backdrop the actors recite the membership wades in and drowns something instead of drunk alack alarm call remember the warning not what you expected only crowns of birds flight or butterflies adjusted tokens and is it ash now where is she now send her Christmas cards fly home defeated silver threads exhaust fumes loss of consciousness in pill form not what you expected only rush the future a promised land of merely okay severed veins and sunlight only horror not what you designed configured pressed against fingertips flattened only dawn and then dawn and then what not what you pleased to meet you lifetime supply of strangers sunflowers secret handshakes she’s dead this is fact slid under the door not what you expected in frill and primrose thinking borrowed future not what you past tense screaming until the lungs clutch frustration loss and madness are you supposed to be okay awake or sane saving magical thinking for dreams of not her but still alive inherit the cancer drill bit winded insults saved for magical thinking not what you expected when you and if you answered lifetime supply of calls magicians and slender inkling the bad version she’s dead this is fact this is not romance or version the numbers in line headway to private internal Alcatraz stay home hearing yourself howl what’s that mean that sound mere echo silence mostly ugly insolvent characters exchangeable permitted not what you expected when you threatened to still be alive listening listening close closer you never got there you held on to not what you expected you arrived intact grotesque greenhorn shoehorn into prosody ugly charm and what results no jackpot narrative hallelujah no bringing it to church not what you expected the end full stop and elsewhere hum senile heart and going places you teach you teach yourself how you teach yourself how to piss away rejected lifetime slowly turning gray not what you expected not what you planned in 1:1 scale upwards and live forever minus glum continuance maintenance apologia burlap blankets and wool skin she’d say shut up the minus evidence of future pure ghost and now only things will work out not how you expected she’s dead everyone you know in amber flat in sunlight that never arrives
you want to tell her how much and how enormous but you cough in empty rooms her should have been no eulogy picture perfect start with why with how much with everything and continue with everything everything every living thing
Profile: Nicholas Grider
