“Mitt Romney” by Andy Moreno

Mitt Romney is lying on a small futon couch. Mitt Romney is hung over. Mitt Romney is wearing white skinny jeans and is not wearing a shirt. Mitt Romney is watching Fox News and is smoking a cigarette. Mitt Romney just moved into a studio apartment with his best friend Dana on the upper west of Manhattan. Dana picked up Mitt Romney at JFK airport yesterday evening. Mitt Romney and Dana drank a 24 pack of bud light and a small bottle of whiskey after arriving from the airport. Mitt Romney is unemployed. Dana is an assistant cultural anthropology professor at Columbia University. Mitt Romney met Dana at the University of Arizona at a party in the fall of 2008. They quickly bonded over a shared appreciation for genitalia humor.

It is Monday morning. Dana is drinking a glass of orange juice in the kitchen and preparing to leave for work. Dana is wearing a blazer and an ascot. Dana asks Mitt Romney if he had seen his Ralph Lauren loafers. Mitt Romney says nothing and continues to watch Fox News. Dana climbs under his bed and retrieves a bottle of adderall. Dana crushes and snorts three small pink adderall pills. Dana then puts on a pair of brown oxfords and leaves the apartment. Mitt Romney continues watching Fox News while smoking cigarettes with a neutral facial expression for almost three hours. Mitt Romney gets into the shower and masturbates while thinking about his ex girlfriend. Mitt Romney orgasms. Mitt Romney feels a sudden wave of severe depression and gets out of the shower. Mitt Romney puts on a new pair of white skinny jeans from American Apparel and a navy blue short sleeve button down shirt from TOPMAN. Mitt Romney goes into the kitchen and eats a large red apple. Mitt Romney thinks about killing himself. Mitt Romney decides to look for a job and leaves the apartment. Mitt Romney walks to the subway station with a sad facial expression. Mitt Romney takes the subway to midtown Manhattan. Mitt Romney applies for a job at a large magazine publisher. Mitt Romney lies on the application and says that he graduated from college. Mitt Romney gets drunk alone in a bar on 47th street.

Mitt Romney is back to the studio apartment. Mitt Romney grabs his laptop and takes off his clothes. Mitt Romney starts reading his girlfriend‘s blog. Mitt Romney feels sad. Why does she pretend that she is happy, he thinks.

Mitt Romney puts on some underwear and cooks a vegan pizza. Mitt Romney calls Dana’s phone. Dana does not answer. Mitt Romney eats the whole vegan pizza alone while watching Fox News. Mitt Romney puts on a white seersucker suit and drinks three beers while continuing to watch Fox News. Mitt Romney walks over to Columbia University to look for Dana. Mitt Romney walks around campus while smoking cigarettes. Mitt Romney sits down on a bench and calls his mom in Arizona. Mitt Romney’s mom does not answer her phone. Mitt Romney feels sad. Mitt Romney does not see Dana anywhere and leaves campus. Mitt Romney takes the subway to midtown Manhattan. Mitt Romney is walking around Times Square smoking cigarettes with a focused facial expression. Mitt Romney sees two girls holding H&M bags speaking Japanese. Mitt Romney walks up to them and starts flirting with them in Japanese. The Japanese girls feel impressed with Mitt Romney’s ability to speak Japanese and start laughing. Mitt Romney gets one of the girl’s phone numbers and agrees to meet her on Friday night. Mitt Romney feels confident and grins a little while walking away.

Profile: Andy Moreno

*This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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